generations shared a roof. WillMom forget to turn off the stoveand burn down the house?
b. Mom isn’t happy about theprospect, either. She may havegrown up in a house withgrandparents under the same roof,but she has been running her ownhousehold for a long time. Movingin with her children represents aloss of privacy and independence.She has to live by her daughter’s(or, worse, daughter-in-law’s) rules.Besides, the one thing every olderperson hates more than anything isthe prospect of being a burden onhis or her children.
So, really, when somebody is 80, nolonger can drive, and needs helpputting on his or her shoes, what arethe options?
As I said in the beginning, I believethat the retirement community isthe only viable option in almostevery situation. You can choose, ifyou wish, to consider it the “bestchoice among distasteful options,”but I would argue that it’s not a distasteful option at all.
Think of the people wasting awayin their homes, staring out the window. Or living with their children in a fancy neighborhood,miles from any other 80-year-old,dependent on the children andgrandchildren for mobility. That’sterrible! There’s no need for that!
In a retirement community they canhave:
medical emergency.
i. Transportation to malls, supermarkets, doctor’s offices, andplanned outings to such places asmovies, theaters and restaurants.
They can be close enough to theirchildren for regular visits, weekendstays, and spending holidays together, but not living under thesame roof.
The people in a good retirementcommunity, even the ones in wheelchairs, are very much alive. They are having fun, and they lookforward to the future. These peoplein their 80’s and 90’s are laughingand telling jokes. (Not all of themclean, by the way!) They are verydifferent than the stereotype of oldpeople. They may feel they have toact mature around the children, butnot among themselves!
Yes, most have some physical limitations, but they live life to thefullest. They are as independent asit is possible to be, and they arepleased and proud that they are notburdens on their children. They allsay: “My children don’t worry somuch about me anymore!”
So why is it so hard to convince an older person to move to a retirement community? Why dopeople like you think of it as a lastresort rather than the best option?
Part of it, I think, is the terrible reputation that “old age homes”used to have. We try to find newwords to describe the new reality.We call these “retirement communities” today. But still Ithink it will take years for the public to understand that it’s verydifferent today.
When you hear people say, “I don’twant to live with old people,” theyjust haven’t seen how young atheart old people can be. Once they experience a quality retirementcommunity, it makes an impact.
But we have great difficulty in getting people to even come and look. We try to work through thechildren. If we can get an elderlyperson to visit, they see that thepeople who live here regain someof their youthful spirit.
Then when the visitor goes home,the contrast of what they’ve experienced compared to the lifethey are living starts to wear onthem. It may takes months, but oncethey experience a quality retirementcommunity, eventually they willwant to be a part of it.
So if you are struggling with tryingall the alternatives to keep an agingparent from going into a retirementcommunity, stop struggling! You’rekeeping your parent from the bestoption!
Helen Shaham and her husbandJacob have been operatingretirement communities for nearly30 years. The Palace Suites inKendall is a luxury IndependentLiving Community for activeseniors. In addition, The Palace atKendall campus is home to twoAssisted Living Residences and aNursing & Rehab Center. They alsooperate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community inHomestead, Homestead ManorNursing Home and The Palace @Home, a Medicare Certified HomeHealth Agency. Their two newestprojects are The Palace at Weston –luxury living for those 55 and over,and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. They have twocommunities under development –The Palace at Weston Senior Livingand The Palace at Coral Gables.More information can be found onthe company website,www.thepalace.org or by calling305-270-7000.