Ask Helen

The Right Time ToConsiderHelp, The Right Time ToLet Go

BY Helen Shaham

Q:I have noticed changes inmom and I am concerned that soonshe will require more care than Ican give. She is still functioningfairly well right now, so when is theright time to consider a seniorcommunity? And with that consideration a looming reality,how do I deal with my ownemotions?

A:First of all, I commend youon your ability to detect changes inyour mother that may require carebeyond your sole capacity. Manychildren are in denial over the factthat they cannot manage care fortheir parent alone, which is very detrimental. While you are clearlyfeeling pangs of guilt over thethought of a senior community or atthe least, additional assistance, youhave made the first step to helpingher – and bettering the situation foreveryone involved in the decisionof her long-term care.

The next thing to do is remainproactive. Talk to your mom andexplain to her that it is getting increasingly difficult for you andyou are concerned for her well-being. Make her realize thattimes have changed and busy work schedules prevent you from givingher as much attention as she mayneed. If she was open to outsidecare, a community would be able toprovide much more adequate carearound the clock, so the time youwould spend with her would be enjoyable and focused on qualitytime, instead of worrying about hermedications, doctor’s appointments,etc. Once the discussion has beenopened, start to research communities and alternatives to youbeing the sole provider of her care.

With regards to your own feelingsof guilt and attachment, the worstthing you can do is agonize over theprospect of a senior community.You know logically, it is importantto make the right decision for yourmother, regardless of how painful itmay be at first for you. Safetyshould be the primary concern. You may be surprised to know it isnormal for families to take longer toadjust to the change. Residents ofsenior communities average a two-week transition until they feelcomfortable, while it may take families two months to adjust.

The longer you waiver over when,where and how to let go, the greaterthe potential for her to get worse.God forbid, you will end up in a situation where an emergencyforces you to make a decision thatisn’t well thought out. Of course,you have to feel comfortable withthe type of care you will be handingher over to, but recognize the difference between your feelings ofguilt and finding the right solution.Go with your gut.

Finally, I suggest you join a caregiver support group where youwill be able to communicate yourfeelings in an open environmentshare by others in similar situations.

Helen Shaham and her husbandJacob have been operatingretirement communities for nearly30 years. The Palace Suites inKendall is a luxury IndependentLiving Community for activeseniors. In addition, The Palace atKendall campus is home to twoAssisted Living Residences and aNursing & Rehab Center. They alsooperate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community inHomestead, Homestead ManorNursing Home and The Palace @Home, a Medicare Certified HomeHealth Agency. Their two newestprojects are The Palace at Weston –luxury living for those 55 and over,and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community inIsrael. They have two communitiesunder development – The Palace atWeston Senior Living and ThePalace at Coral Gables. More information can be found on thecompany website,www.thepalace.org or by calling305-270-7000.