Ask Helen

Mom Fears Moving

BY Helen Shaham

Q. It took a year for my motherto finally get comfortable in anindependent living community. Nowat 83 years old, she has deteriorated to the point where she reallyneeds assisted living, but she isfrightened to move again. Can yougive me some advice?

A. There are two elements atplay here. First, change is difficultat any age, and becomes increasingly difficult as we getolder. Familiar is comfortable.Change is scary. Your mother hassettled into a routine, made newfriends, and now faces the prospectof doing it all over again at age 83.

Second, there is the desperate feeling that she is deteriorating.Each new move is one step closerto the end, and therefore must befought at all costs.

At the Palace, we try to make thetransition easier by offering the fullcontinuum of care on our Kendallcampus. We have the Palace Suitesfor those who can live independently but just want the security and comfort of havingeverything done for them, so theycan just relax and enjoy their lives.Next is the Palace Royale, what wecall “catered living”, for seniorswho need assistance but are stillmentally sharp. Then there is thePalace Renaissance, a traditionalassisted living community for thosewho need a great deal of physicalassistance or who have mental impairments such as Alzheimers orDementia. The fourth building, theNursing and Rehabilitation Center,offers both skilled nursing care anda rehabilitation program where people with injuries or strokes mayrecover and get back to their lives.

The idea is that people can movefrom building to building asneeded, always staying on the samecampus, in familiar surroundings,so transition is easier. After all,when the time comes to move, youare just moving Next Door!

But we find that moving next doorprovokes the same feelings of terrorin residents as if the building was100 miles away. Physical proximitydoesn’t matter much to them.What’s important to them is thatmoving means leaving friends behind, and is an admission ofphysical or mental deterioration.

We have done focus groups withthe residents to explore ways ofovercoming the problem, andthey’ve had good suggestions.(They usually do have good suggestions. When you live to be80 or 90 you learn a few things!)

As a result of the focus groups, wenow offer scheduled tours of theother buildings to any residentswho are interested, well before theyneed to consider moving. We nowhave a golf cart shuttle going frombuilding to building so people canvisit their old friends after moving,perhaps even keep up their cardgames together. Even though thebuildings are on the same campus,it can be a long walk if you’re 85!

We can do all of this because thebuildings are on the same campus –a continuum of care – and becausewe control the situation. That’s abig advantage over what’s generallyavailable elsewhere.

Now, back to your mother. Let herknow you understand her fears andrelate to them. Try everything youcan to help her set them aside.Maybe the assisted living residenceyou’re considering can offer tohave your mother as a guest for afew days, so she can see what it’slike. – that it’s not so bad or so different – before she actually givesup her home in the independent living community.

As with many of our residents, yourmother may have resisted movingto the independent living community originally because shefeared that she would give up herindependence. Then she probablywas surprised to find that she actually gained independence bymoving in. With meals provided,transportation and entertainment,maintenance and utilities, andfriends across the hall, the life shewas losing by living alone was restored.

Let her know that by moving to assisted living community, she onceagain will find her independence restored. She will get the help sheneeds to live life to its fullest. Good luck!

Helen Shaham and her husbandJacob have been operatingretirement communities for nearly30 years. The Palace Suites inKendall is a luxury IndependentLiving Community for activeseniors. In addition, The Palace atKendall campus is home to twoAssisted Living Residences and aNursing & Rehab Center. They alsooperate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community inHomestead, Homestead ManorNursing Home and The Palace @Home, a Medicare Certified HomeHealth Agency. Their two newestprojects are The Palace at Weston –luxury living for those 55 and over,and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. They have twocommunities under development –The Palace at Weston Senior Livingand The Palace at Coral Gables.More information can be found onthe company website,www.thepalace.org or by calling 305-270-7000.