Ask Helen

Loved One Taking On Role Of Caregiver

BY Helen Shaham

Q. My Dad has Alzheimer’s and Mom takes care of him without any assistance. They are not wealthy butown a nice apartment and have modestincome. My mother is in her 70’s and is feeling stressed. I don’t know how much longer this situation will work. What doyou suggest?

A. It sounds as if you are struggling with one of the more challenging situations with aging parents—one parent, willingly or unwillingly, has taken on the role of caregiver and is feeling the strain. For the sake of your mother’s health and strength, and your father’s well being, I suggest you plan a three-part strategy for the present and near future.

The first thing to figure out is financial aspect. You should speak to a trusted financial advisor about selling their apartment and then determine what will be the best way to use those funds to supplement their modest income. At the end of this process you will know your budget and how much you have to work with. I believe the best possible solution for your parents would be if they went together into the same residential community, one that has both an independent living building for your mother and an Alzheimer’s care unit for your father.

They would be together in the same campus, but each would get services better quality of life and she could spend time with your father as much as she wants, but without the stress associated with being the sole caregiver. Also, the interaction with other people like herself, many times in similar situations will do her a lot of good. People like to share their problems with others who truly understand them and are going through similar experiences.

The next thing is to go around looking for this suitable community. Your mother must be a part of this process (unless she tells you that she trusts your judgment, and it is OK that you go alone, and take her only to see the ones you think are appropriate). But it is usually better if she goes with you. I suggest getting your dad some practical help at home (for a short time) while you both go to look.

Find out what other resources are available. First for help, there are agencies who offer a variety of “at home” services covering all aspects relating to in-home care. All you seem to need at this point is companion care for the time your mother is out with you. Remember that your mother may first resist having help because she somehow sees it as a reflection on her caring abilities, so it’s important to reassure her that there is no merit in being a martyr and it is alright for her to ease up and consider her own health too.

Once you have organized help for your mother, then move onto the next stage. Look in the Yellow Pages or on-line under “Retirement Communities” to which communities are in your area. It is a good idea to go without a scheduled appointment. You’ll get a more realistic picture this way. Remember that when you shop for a senior community, look out an array of amenities, activities, and services such as minimum of two meals a day in an independent living environment and three meals a day in the Alzheimer’s care unit. Housekeeping and linen service should be weekly and daily, respectively. A concierge, full time System are also a must. A relocation assistance program that manages the entire move is a definite plus and will make both of your lives much easier during this difficult time.

As you know, Alzheimer’s is a devastating disease with special demands, so check the accommodations and activities and observe how the staff handles patients. Is there assistance in the dining room and is it generally a caring atmosphere? Also, find out if there are support groups for families. You will find this very valuable, especially in regard to your father.

After you have found the place that suits your budget, be sure to ask around for references. Ask your doctor or contact your local Alliance for Aging. With this approach, I’m sure you will find the right community for your parents, one that lets them be near one another, yet meets their individual needs. Good Luck!

Helen Shaham and her husband Jacob have been operating retirement communities for nearly 30 years. The Palace Suites in Kendall is a luxuryIndependent Living Community foractive seniors. In addition, The Palace at Kendall campus is home to two Assisted Living Residences and a Nursing &Rehab Center. They also operate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community in Homestead, HomesteadManor Nursing Home and The Palace @Home, a Medicare Certified Home Health Agency. Their two newest projects are The Palace at Weston – luxury living for those 55 and over, and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. Theyhave two communities under development – The Palace at Weston Senior Living and The Palace at Coral Gables.More information can be found on the company website, www.thepalace.org or by calling 305-270-7000.