Ask Helen

Feeling independent is very important to older adults

BY Helen Shaham

Q.My mother is now 80 and no longer can drive. We are really worried about her being alone.The family feels it’s time for her to sell the house and move into a retirement community. But she gets angry whenever we suggest it, and she refuses to even discuss it. How can we get her to understand that it would be for the best?

A. What you are feeling is very similar to almost everyone else in your situation.

In fact, for anyone out there who has parents in their late 70’s, early 80’s,or even 90’s, this is how I see you:

You are worried about your parents.You worry about their safety and security. You worry about their driving. You worry that they will have a health emergency and be unable to summon help. You feel guilty that they are not living in your home, but you really don’t want them and your family under the same roof.

This is how I see your parents:

They don’t feel “old” and don’t want“to live with old people.” They are sure that nothing is wrong with them.They don’t want to move, and they certainly don’t want to live with you.They are frustrated that age is robbing them of their reflexes and their ability to be independent. They retirement communities have left behind friends and a great social life in exchange for living in a safe and secure environment close to their children and grandchildren. But it’salso true that many others no longer had much of a social life at home.They say: “All my friends are gone,”and they find themselves sitting around alone in big houses, watching the days go by, waiting for the next call from a child.

But no matter how full or empty their life was before, most residents at retirement community were reluctantto give it up. Even an empty life is familiar. Change is frightening. Families need to understand this when trying to encourage a parent to move to a retirement community. The decision to move, usually, is one made gradually, over time.

The management of any retirement community should understand this and work with families to bring abouta gradual change in a parent’s attitude, devoting months, sometimes years, to the process if necessary.

When considering retirement communities, therefore, look for many social activities where potential residents and their families can experience the lifestyle. The residents should be enjoying themselves – really having fun – and demonstrate to your mother that even people in their 80’s and 90’s can still have are al zest for life. Your mother should see that while the residents may have lived long lives, they are far from“old.”

Look for a place that is appropriate for your mother’s state of health. If she gets along fine without a wheelchair or walker, for example,find her a setting where that’s the norm. Look for the opportunity for you and your family to interact with the children of other residents, to learn from them. Don’t hesitate to ask management to give you now very happy they made the move.

The message you want your mother eventually to understand is this:

Rather than losing her independence when she moves in, she actually will became more independent. With food, transportation, housekeeping and entertainment provided, she nolonger will have to worry about thelittle bothersome details of life, andshe will be able to just enjoy herselfand do what she really wants.

The years melt away in an environment where there is musicand dancing, good food and goodfriends, lots of laughing and sometimes even a little romance. Youcan’t tell her that, but she will believeher own eyes and the testimony ofothers her own age. “Seeing is believing.” Nothing is more true, especially in this case.

Helen Shaham and her husbandJacob have been operatingretirement communities for nearly 30 years. The Palace Suites inKendall is a luxury IndependentLiving Community for active seniors.In addition, The Palace at Kendallcampus is home to two Assisted Living Residences and a Nursing &Rehab Center. They also operate ThePalace Gardens Assisted LivingCommunity in Homestead,Homestead Manor Nursing Homeand The Palace @ Home, a MedicareCertified Home Health Agency. Theirtwo newest projects are The Palaceat Weston – luxury living for those 55and over, and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. They have twocommunities under development –The Palace at Weston Senior Livingand The Palace at Coral Gables.More information can be found onthe company website,www.thepalace.org or by calling 305-270-7000.