Ask Helen

Enhancing Loved One’sLives, From the Inside-Out

BY Helen Shaham

Q. Since my 88-year old mother moved to an assisted living community she won’t go out with me when I come to visit. I offer to take her to lunch or to the mall and she always refuses. Should be worried or let her be?

A. Before I answer your question, I would like to understand why it’s important for you to take your mother out when you visit.

Do you feel it’s for her benefit to get her out and about? If so,please bear in mind that many older people no longer crave outside activity (some find it simply too tiring) and prefer the comfort of familiar surroundings.If the purpose of your visit is to spend time with her, then you can do it just as well in the lounge or garden of her community where she can “show off” her visitor.

However, if you think that her reluctance to go out indicates something serious, then by all means check out her behavior in general.

Ask staff members how Mom is doing. Is she cheerful and does table mates during meals? Does she associate with other residents?Does she participate in activities and group outings? Is her apartment well kept? Does she complain a lot, if so, what does she complain about?

I’ve seen many cases where parents behave one way in front of their children and another way when the children are not there.They may want to exercise control by laying on the guilt, or get extra attention with the complaints like,“I haven’t eaten in days”, when in fact, they’re gaining weight… or“there is nobody here to talk to”(when, in fact, they are the last ones to leave the dining room because they keep on talking…)

I would be concerned if mom stays in her room more than other residents; is she keeping to herself or seems sad, nervous or angry? If you believe that she is not adjusting well, speak with the administrator and share your concerns. The administrator is very motivated to help your mother with her adjustment period, and all good facilities have programs to promote residential adjustment such as “new residents welcoming lunch”, and “new resident welcoming committees”;“adoptive manager”; “new residents family conference”; and more. If all these do not help, ask the administrator to arrange for psychological evaluation.

If taking Mom on an outing means lot to you, I suggest you make plans for a special occasion- a birthday, a visiting grandchild or holidays such as Mothers Day or Thanksgiving and talk it up. Give but don’t overdo it. Then make plans to pick her up at a specific time.

Of course, you can always arrange to take you mother to a doctor’appointment; the bank or shopping for something special and have lunch while you are out. Try to beads understanding as possible if shades’t like traffic or crowds. If she is well cared for and settled into her assisted living community,then I don’t think you have cause for concern.

Helen Shaham and her husband Jacob have been operating retirement communities for nearly30 years. The Palace Suites in Kendall is a luxury Independent Living Community for active seniors. In addition, The Palace at Kendall campus is home to two Assisted Living Residences and Nursing & Rehab Center. They also operate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community in Homestead, Homestead Manor Nursing Home and The Palace @Home, a Medicare Certified Home Health Agency. Their two newest projects are The Palace at Weston –luxury living for those 55 and over,and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. They have two communities under development – The Palace at Weston Senior Living and The Palace at Coral Gables. More information can be found on the company website,www.thepalace.org or by calling 305-270-7000.